Soap is not a condiment
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
