i need an iv and a liver transplant
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
