Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
