just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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