Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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