dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
