I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
