my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
