I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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