Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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