you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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