Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Operation Purity has been aborted
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
