If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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