I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize