The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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