I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Randomize
