I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
