Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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