Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
