Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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