Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize