I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
