I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She's the barista slut.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
