I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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