i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
