There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
