You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
