I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
