The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
