she was so not down for the gang bang
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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