I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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