You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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