Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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