We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
