you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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