I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
