I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
