Don't make out with my wife yet
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
