the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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