I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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