My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
