I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
