Im at strip club and am horny
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
