I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize