I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
