I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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