I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
