Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
