You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
