I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
