"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
