Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
