I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
