i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
