I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
did i just pee glitter
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You ruined the universe
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
