One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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