there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
