ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
