I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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