I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
