My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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