I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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