I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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