i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
