I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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