I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
