Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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