I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
