Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
