did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My ass is underappreciated
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize