Plan B is the new Plan A
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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