why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
