In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
