I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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