I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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